November 18, 2016
“Just because you took longer than others, doesn’t mean you failed. Remember that.”
I have been wanting to write for a while. Just really haven’t had the words. A lot of it is just pure shame, some self-loathing and lots of frustration. It’s amazing how much can be undone by a couple of small binges. Embarrassing really. Much of it is just small triggers that shouldn’t have any sway over me, yet I let them have their way.
The thing I am beginning to see is that with each binge, my resolve grows stronger. This feeling that I’ve felt over the last few days has been so awful. There were some days where I’d discovered something stupid I did during one of those binges and it just was a little much at times.
So, much of the last few days have been a little longer and somewhat overwhelming at work. There job part isn’t really new, it’s more just execution and things like that. The other thing is that the commute has been so much longer than I am used to and the distances are much greater than I have ever really done so that has taken its toll. But, much of it was just really not being able to sleep and letting the alcohol work its way out. That is never a fun feeling.
I think the climax of all of that was today. Today was a day the old me would have had a drink – or half a bottle or hell a whole bottle. The current me was tempted, a lot. My first appointment was in Oakland, which is about 60 miles away from me. The drive actually wasn’t really too bad until I hit the usual San Francisco and bridge traffic that I instantly remembered from when I lived here a few years ago. I got to Oakland and spent about an hour there. Our next appoint, I want to say was in Hayward?? A little bit farther south. I probably made it about 2 or 3 miles and onto the highway when the transmission went out. It isn’t my car luckily, but I have lost a couple so I instantly remembered the feeling and I really didn’t have any power to accelerate… on the highway of all places. Luckily, by now, after experiencing it with my own car, I had the quick-thinking to get the hell off the highway. By some miracle, I was able to find a quick exit and get off. I found a place to park, turned off the car and tried turning it back on. I thought maybe something just needed to reset. It kind of worked but not really. I was able to limp over to the side of the road and legally park.
I wish that was where the trouble ended. I called my mentor (trainer) and told her what happened. I talked to a couple of other people and was able to get in touch with roadside service. The wait time for a tow-truck, two hours. Keep in mind, this was the side of the road… in Oakland. It didn’t take long for wackos to approach me and that was unsettling. So, a long two hours pass. Nothing. I got a call a while back that said the truck was about 40 minutes out. An hour passed. Still nothing. So I called again. Apparently, the truck was “inadvertently canceled.” Why? I don’t have the slightest clue. So they located a truck that was about a half hour away. I got a call when it was 5 minutes out. 20 minutes later – nothing! So I called again and apparently Chrysler, which made my car, never sent them any info. Although, I have no idea how they had my number if that was the case.
So I called a third time. Keep in mind, this is around 3pm and I initially made it to the side of the road before 10am! The idea was to get a rental and drive back down to the south bay. However, those rental places are only open until about 6 or so and I was getting a little freaked out that I might get stuck up there. The ETA on the 3rd truck was a little after 4. The 3rd time must be the charm because this guy at least called me and I told him I’d been out there forever and for the love of all things holy to call me if he couldn’t find me. It was starting to get dark and that was really the last place I wanted to be. Now, Chrysler did ask me if I wanted to leave the keys with the vehicle… in Oakland… and not only could I not do that because of the contract I signed to get the car but in all reality if I left the keys there, someone would find a way to move that thing and it’d never be seen again.
So, finally, around 4:20 or so, I saw the truck pull up behind me. Greatest thing I have ever seen after being stuck out there for 6 and a half hours. We got to the dealer in Berkeley by about 5 and I went back for all of my things with the rental around 5:30. After about 20 minutes, I was finally able to start heading home. Thing is, Berkeley is a horrible place to drive. There’s a million pedestrians, bicyclists and small roads with horrible traffic lights. It’s hard to see and takes a lot of focus. I did finally make it to the highway aaaaaaaaaaaaand there was a wreck! Because why wouldn’t there be?
Finally, after about an hour and a half drive, I made it back home on this very long day of days. I didn’t even mention that to start the day, I woke up to an email of something I thought was taken care of that was not and this was not one of those meaningless things, it was pretty important and would have been fine without that damned binge.
So, after a day that was over 12 hours long, I really wanted nothing more than to get shitfaced, numb it all out and pass the !$#@ out. I had every reason to. This sort of day. But, I didn’t and of this moment have not. It’s surprising to me.
You know, one of the things I have always thought about myself is that I have the best bad luck. My luck sucks but it’s never as bad as it could be. What I mean by that is that this transmission could have gone out on the 60 mile drive up the highway in the morning and that would have been extremely dangerous and overall pretty terrifying. It didn’t. Now, Oakland isn’t much better but the cars driving by me were going a lot slower than highway speeds.
What a day. What a week.