Category Archives: Month 5 – Rebirth

Days 121-150

Day 140


November 21, 2016

“Don’t be afraid to start over.  It’s a brand new opportunity to rebuild what you truly want.”

Well, I am flat-out exhausted.  Those long weekend hours sure did me in.  I am extremely grateful that I have virtual training this week and can work from home.  It definitely makes it easier to wake up in the morning I’ll say that!

So, I pretty much did that all day, then reviewed a few work files remotely and put in 3.5 Uber hours (which was surprisingly successful).  Part of me thinks that the more you drive, the better rides you get because both times I stopped driving for a while, it was a load of crap.  That kind of sucks because I’ll be away for a few weeks!

I think that really is the key – staying busy.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before but boredom is my achilles heel.  When you’re bored, booze makes things less boring, at least for me.  It’s a challenge but the best part about it is the sleep.  Last night, I had absolutely no trouble at all passing out.  It… was… great!

One of the more interesting things I’ve noticed is how easy it is to lose sight of what goals I had and what I wanted to do after a binge.  It’s starting to come back to me and I wonder how in the hell I forgot about it.  However, it is extra motivation to keep pushing.  I will say this, many of us are different when it comes to what works for us.  For some, taking it easy and not having too much on the plate works.  But, for me, I need all that I can get.  I spent so many days just going to work and then doing nothing but get smashed afterwards.  Too much time was lost.

It’s a lot different for me now.  I’m still not fond of the 8-5 workday grind.  I’m not sure if I ever will be again.  But, going out and either boxing or driving Uber is something that I don’t mind doing because I’m not just only watching the clock tick down until I have to repeat the workday tomorrow.  That’s huge for me.  I think Massachusetts will be a nice change for the next couple of weeks and then I am ready to rock in 2017!

On a final note, first day in a while the little booze devil didn’t show up.  It must be exhausting trying to tempt me with that poison…

Day 139


November 20, 2016

“I will not be discouraged about how far I have to go.  Instead I will be excited about where I’m headed.”

Super long day today.  I drove for at almost 12 hours to hit the target and boy was that rough and grueling.  There was a 49ers game today so that was a good part of my morning was ferrying people over to the stadium which is always a treat, with the traffic and all.   BUT – no car trouble today, woohoo!

I cannot say enough how liberating it is out there on the road.  Uber is, by far, the best job I’ve ever had.  I absolutely love it.  I did meet a life coach, which is interesting.  It never ceases to amaze me the people that I meet on the road.  It’s really cool and one of my favorite parts of the job.

Today was definitely a challenge.  The numbers were coming up shorter than I am used to for a Tuesday.  I was like a zombie at the end which is when I knew it was time to turn in but I hit the bare minimum target I was aiming for which made my day.

I’m not sure if others feel this way, but I feel like I am definitely more likely to listen to the little devil when I’m tired.  When I get tired, all of the bothers I give about anything kind of go out the window.  Like today, for example, I really did get the urge again.  But today, I was really craving wine.  Cabernet and red zinfindel are my two favorite reds and chardoney is my main white (although I mainly drank red).  The tragic thing about wine is that it is sooooooooooooo enjoyable after a long day.  Hard liquor, which was my main poison, is more just a get fucked up kind of drink.

So, there was that.  Part of me was too lazy and the other part of me knew better and does not want to go into this week hungover and going through withdrawals again.  No more of that nonsense.

Day 138


November 19, 2016

“In any given moment, we have two options:  To step forward into growth or to step back into safety.”

Well, as I was counting the days up, I was and, in fact, still am shocked that this is the 138th day of the journey.  Eye opener for sure.

Today started off – well sort of how I imagine yesterday would have ended.  I went to bed a little later than I wanted to but the sleep was the best I’ve had in a while and I woke up refreshed.  I was ready to go kick some Uber ass in the morning aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my battery was dead!  I say the day started off the way I imagine yesterday would have ended because I was going to Uber last night, which was a day everything went wrong so this was fitting.  It had only been 7 or 8 days since I used that car last so I was shocked that the battery could die so fast.

By some miracle, I still have AAA and I’m not joking, they got there within 10 minutes.  Luckily, my battery is fine, I just needed a jump and off I was!

It was definitely an interesting day.  I did about 275 miles and I was all over the bay from San Francisco/Daly City all the way down south and over to Milpitas.  It was crazy.  One of my trips ended in East Palo Alto, at which point I remembered just how sketchy that place is.  Not as bad as Oakland but just as bad as Oakland, if that makes sense.

Overall, it was a really good day, in terms of what I earned.  Unfortunately, most of it went to the gas from the lack of driving the last 2 weeks (probably close to half).  Basically, if you drive enough, Uber gives you a gas charge card.  When you use it, it just deducts from the amount you earn so I don’t have to use my own checking account and they give you a discount on the gas.  Sometimes, it doesn’t get deducted right away and that’s where a large part of my deficit came from last week.

So, I won’t lie, the little devil in me did want to “celebrate” the success of the day after I got back.  I think that is part of the problem.  When things do start to improve, that is when the little devil is the strongest and most convincing.  I was considering the financial impact of the last couple of binges and it’s horrific.  So, that is definitely something that I have come to appreciate.

It’s going to be another long day tomorrow (although, Uber is something I do enjoy so it isn’t so bad) and then Thanksgiving week next week which I can never complain about.  After that, it’s off to Massachusetts for two weeks!  That will be interesting.

A New Day


November 18, 2016

“Just because you took longer than others, doesn’t mean you failed.  Remember that.”

I have been wanting to write for a while.  Just really haven’t had the words.  A lot of it is just pure shame, some self-loathing and lots of frustration.  It’s amazing how much can be undone by a couple of small binges.  Embarrassing really.  Much of it is just small triggers that shouldn’t have any sway over me, yet I let them have their way.

The thing I am beginning to see is that with each binge, my resolve grows stronger.  This feeling that I’ve felt over the last few days has been so awful.  There were some days where I’d discovered something stupid I did during one of those binges and it just was a little much at times.

So, much of the last few days have been a little longer and somewhat overwhelming at work.  There job part isn’t really new, it’s more just execution and things like that.  The other thing is that the commute has been so much longer than I am used to and the distances are much greater than I have ever really done so that has taken its toll.  But, much of it was just really not being able to sleep and letting the alcohol work its way out.  That is never a fun feeling.

I think the climax of all of that was today.  Today was a day the old me would have had a drink – or half a bottle or hell a whole bottle.  The current me was tempted, a lot.  My first appointment was in Oakland, which is about 60 miles away from me.  The drive actually wasn’t really too bad until I hit the usual San Francisco and bridge traffic that I instantly remembered from when I lived here a few years ago.  I got to Oakland and spent about an hour there.  Our next appoint, I want to say was in Hayward??  A little bit farther south.  I probably made it about 2 or 3 miles and onto the highway when the transmission went out.  It isn’t my car luckily, but I have lost a couple so I instantly remembered the feeling and I really didn’t have any power to accelerate… on the highway of all places.  Luckily, by now, after experiencing it with my own car, I had the quick-thinking to get the hell off the highway.  By some miracle, I was able to find a quick exit and get off.  I found a place to park, turned off the car and tried turning it back on.  I thought maybe something just needed to reset.  It kind of worked but not really.  I was able to limp over to the side of the road and legally park.

I wish that was where the trouble ended.  I called my mentor (trainer) and told her what happened.  I talked to a couple of other people and was able to get in touch with roadside service.  The wait time for a tow-truck, two hours.  Keep in mind, this was the side of the road… in Oakland.  It didn’t take long for wackos to approach me and that was unsettling.  So, a long two hours pass.  Nothing.  I got a call a while back that said the truck was about 40 minutes out.  An hour passed.  Still nothing.  So I called again.  Apparently, the truck was “inadvertently canceled.”  Why?  I don’t have the slightest clue.  So they located a truck that was about a half hour away.  I got a call when it was 5 minutes out.  20 minutes later – nothing!  So I called again and apparently Chrysler, which made my car, never sent them any info.  Although, I have no idea how they had my number if that was the case.

So I called a third time.  Keep in mind, this is around 3pm and I initially made it to the side of the road before 10am!  The idea was to get a rental and drive back down to the south bay.  However, those rental places are only open until about 6 or so and I was getting a little freaked out that I might get stuck up there.  The ETA on the 3rd truck was a little after 4.  The 3rd time must be the charm because this guy at least called me and I told him I’d been out there forever and for the love of all things holy to call me if he couldn’t find me.  It was starting to get dark and that was really the last place I wanted to be.  Now, Chrysler did ask me if I wanted to leave the keys with the vehicle… in Oakland… and not only could I not do that because of the contract I signed to get the car but in all reality if I left the keys there, someone would find a way to move that thing and it’d never be seen again.

So, finally, around 4:20 or so, I saw the truck pull up behind me.  Greatest thing I have ever seen after being stuck out there for 6 and a half hours.  We got to the dealer in Berkeley by about 5 and I went back for all of my things with the rental around 5:30.  After about 20 minutes, I was finally able to start heading home.  Thing is, Berkeley is a horrible place to drive.  There’s a million pedestrians, bicyclists and small roads with horrible traffic lights.  It’s hard to see and takes a lot of focus.  I did finally make it to the highway aaaaaaaaaaaaand there was a wreck!  Because why wouldn’t there be?

Finally, after about an hour and a half drive, I made it back home on this very long day of days.  I didn’t even mention that to start the day, I woke up to an email of something I thought was taken care of that was not and this was not one of those meaningless things, it was pretty important and would have been fine without that damned binge.

So, after a day that was over 12 hours long, I really wanted nothing more than to get shitfaced, numb it all out and pass the !$#@ out.  I had every reason to.  This sort of day.  But, I didn’t and of this moment have not.  It’s surprising to me.

You know, one of the things I have always thought about myself is that I have the best bad luck.  My luck sucks but it’s never as bad as it could be.  What I mean by that is that this transmission could have gone out on the 60 mile drive up the highway in the morning and that would have been extremely dangerous and overall pretty terrifying.  It didn’t.  Now, Oakland isn’t much better but the cars driving by me were going a lot slower than highway speeds.

What a day.  What a week.

Days 123-126


November 4-7, 2016

“We waste so many days waiting for the weekend.  So many nights wanting morning.  Our lust for future comfort is the biggest thief of life.”
-Joshua Glenn Clark

Wow, well the last few days have been exhausting.  However, they have also been successful and exactly what I needed.  Friday, I wanted to drive after work but I was dead tired when I got off the ol’ day job so I pretty much just rested up and went out all day Saturday and Sunday.  I hit the target I wanted to hit, even though I had some long journeys to San Francisco along the way but I made it.  Afterwards, I pretty much crashed (not the car but into my bed).

I did have a passenger that worked on Google’s new phone and it kind of made me think of how wrong the decisions in my life had been.  I was actually kind of jealous and a little down because of where my life ended up.  With that being said, the ball is still in my court.  My main issue is I am really indecisive.  One day, I want to do one thing, the next it is something different.  Focus has been one of my weaknesses for some time.  I’m getting there though.

More and more, as I am out here, I really do love it here.  It’s a nice change of pace from Las Vegas.  The traffic can be unbelievable at times but it doesn’t bother me like it did in Vegas.  Part of me thinks that I’m so used to being on the road from Uber, plus I’m not in any rush to get home and get wasted like I was in Vegas.  It’s a lot different in that regard.

One thing I’m noticing this time around is that I have the memory of the first 99 days and how I felt and how far I came during that time.  So, even though I did have that slip-up, I am passed that and I want to be where I was.  I’ll tell you, I went to kickboxing conditioning today and those trainers are real ass-kickers.  No joke, after 6 minutes of just the warm-ups, I was out of energy and done (although I made it about 30 minutes out of the full hour).  To my credit, I did expect it because the first day is always like that but wow what a workout.

So now the plan is – hope that I am not too sore so I can go vote in the morning and finally finish this embarrassing circus of an election we have over here in the USA and have energy to drive 50+ miles afterwards.  Luckily, I don’t expect the drive to be too difficult traffic-wise but wow I am wiped after boxing…  But it does feel fantastic I’ll say that.

Day 122


November 3, 2016

“The best thing you can do is master the chaos in you.  You are not thrown into the fire.  You ARE the fire.”

Not really sure why, but I really like that quote.

A few interesting things today.  To begin with, I trained with a different teammate today which was a good experience.  Somehow, while we were eating, he mentioned to me about how much he drinks and had a tough time with it.  Almost immediately, I could relate.  Most of what I told him is that I struggled with it as well (I was hesitant too because I wasn’t sure if it was a trap, but I don’t think it was).  I told him I saw the other side – how much more productive, ambitious and active I was without alcohol and that was a lot of motivation for me.  So, that was interesting and unexpected.

The next thing was something I had been dreading for a while.  We had a team-bonding night.  This was actually a lot of fun, but there was the opportunity to have alcohol… free alcohol!!  So, that was something that terrified me, as I am new and didn’t want to not bond with everyone.  In the end, I did avoid the temptation and to my surprise, I wasn’t alone.  There were several others who only drank water or something like that.  The guy I trained with earlier asked if I was going to have something and I told him I wanted to do my usual tequila double but I knew the slippery slope that was.  So, I stuck with water and was telling him that I don’t think the team, many of whom I just met earlier, had known me long enough to even see me with alcohol in my system.  He told me he really respected that.  So it was pretty cool.  And, on top of that, somehow I got the top bowling score – even though it has been forever since I bowled.  It actually turned out to be a really nice evening, even as I was getting exhausted by the end.

The last thing I wanted to share is actually rather terrifying.  I had a reader reach out to me and send me a link to this graphic which shows the cost of a DUI.  I am planning to turn it into a page but wanted to give a sneak peak as well.  It’s horrific to think about but it was also very real and something that applies to me as well seeing as how I have not been the best example in regards to when I decide to get behind the wheel.

Days 120 & 121


November 1 & 2, 2016

“Whatever you hold in your mind, on a consistent basis, is exactly what you’ll experience in your life.”
-Tony Robbins

Well, the good news is my sleep schedule is getting better.  Nothing like having to wake up at 6AM and driving all day for hours on end to make you completely tired at the end of the day.  The days have really seemed to fly by and mesh.  I thought yesterday was Wednesday and today I had to really think about it.

I will say that this new job definitely beats the way I had been doing it at a desk.  Each day is different and I’m in different places which keeps it fresh.  After giving it some thought and through my experiences this week, I’ll probably hold off on driving Uber until Friday night and the weekends.  Monday and Tuesday, I got a couple hours in but I was so exhausted it was unbelievable.  Today, I held out for about an hour and a half longer.

I really wanted to do the gym first, in the morning, but wow that is a challenge.  So, I am thinking that I will do that, instead, Monday – Thursday.  The thing is, it is easy to get greedy with Uber because I have seen the $$$$ signs all over my eyes but I think rounding myself out is better and fitness is certainly not overrated.  I won’t lie, those first few classes are going to suck.  No other way to put it.  I’ll probably feel like death afterwards… but after you get through the first few, the rest become easier.

So, with all of this here, it is easy to see how alcohol could be a real killer to any and all of these activities.  In all reality, I am still very pissed at myself for the last few weeks.  Clearly, I am being too hard on myself, I know, but by the same token, it has really set me back financially and physically as well.  I also hold grudges and yes, even against myself it would appear.  Truth be told, I am not even sure why I did any of that nonsense – none of it.  No idea.  I’m certain I’ve mentioned it before but when alcohol gets in you, it really is like mind control and it just takes over removing all sense of good judgement.  Anti-self (my name for that damned little devil on my shoulder) is quite the deceitful little ass hold.  One thing is for sure, there’ll be no more listening to that guy after all of this.  No doubt about it.